Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Longing

So, I realize this isn't the first time I've broached this topic here on the old blog.  And really, I could be doing something more productive, like posting pictures from Christmas parties and Christmas presents made.  But this is what's in my head and heart right now, and I think I want to get it out.  In writing. 

Lately, I've had the privilege of spending time with my friends who have kids.  I absolutely adore getting to hang out with these families.  Monday night, I was keeping one of my friend's little boy while they went to her husband's company Christmas party.  Sweet boy is growing through some separation anxiety.  So as soon as mom and dad walked out the door, he was hysterical.  It didn't last too long, but there was absolutely nothing I could do to comfort him.  Because I'm not his mom.  Sure, he likes me.  I get told often I'm good with kids, we play well when mommy and daddy are around, but I am not mom, the one who brings the most comfort.

I was struck sitting there a little later that evening as the boy slept, how much I long to be the one who comforts my child, the one who some child needs more than anyone else. (Wow...that sounds codependent...but really, I just long to have a family).  I have a longing, a desire, that is most definitely not being fulfilled right now.  And deep down, I'm okay with that.  But there are moments like Monday night when it just hits me that those desires are still there.  I desire to be a wife.  I dream of being a mom.  I long to have a family all my own. 

I am tempted in the midst of these desires to sucked into discontentment, comparison, jealousy, and maybe even a little anger. But throughout all of these thoughts, the truth that I know runs through my head.  Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4).  My God has always done what's best for me and He does not change (James 1:17).  As cliche as it may be, my God has a plan for me, one I know that I can trust (Jeremiah 29:11). And so many more, but this post is getting long. 

The things that encourage me most (other than truth from God's Word, of course) in times like these:
- Community. Single girls walking through the same emotions I am.  We are reading a book right now called Shattered Dreams.  I'm not very far into it, but I can tell you for sure that this book is going to touch deeply on my dreams of being married and having a family. 
- Married friends.  It might seem crazy, but I am never so blessed as when my married friends let me step in and be a part of their families.  Let me sit down at the dinner table with them like I belong there, because sometimes I feel like I don't.  Let me love on their kids and not feel like I'm completely missing out on a phase of life.  And just being my friend.  I read an article on Relevant's web site not to long ago that sent me to tears as I was reminded of how blessed I am by the married friends in my life.
- The simple reminder that God's not done.  He doesn't have a timeline that looks like mine.  And for that I am thankful. 

What encourages you when you find discontment growing in your heart?

4 comments:

Kristen said...

Aw, this post really touched me. I am in a similar place and I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in how you feel. At all.

Hang in there. I just remind myself that God has a bigger plan for me and that I am going through this a reason (even if I'm not sure what it is yet).

Transplant said...

Things have a way of working themselves out. When you become a mom, but you will have financial stability that a lot of young families don't have. You will also have been able to experience more things in your life that will contribute to raising your children the way you feel is right. Practice on those friend's kids, there will be a day when you're going to be a wonderful mom and you're going to have a beautiful life.

Abby said...

I am encouraged by monthly coffee dates with two of my closest girl friends (who happen to both be married already) where we share straightforwardly (is that a word?) about whatever we've been thinking about or experiencing. It reminds me that I am part of a community and am dearly loved and that married or single, we all deal with similar stuff.

AnnieBlogs said...

Oh yeah, girl. This is good stuff. I can relate so much. Thank you for sharing!!